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- Shaggy, and occassionally dead, Dog Stor
- My Thoroughly modern Ghost
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- Grandad
- Sleepy but sleepless
- Strange conversations
- Idle Stuff
- Not Waving but Diving
- Changing Rooms
- Sophie
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Sleepy but sleepless
Still Awake.
I'm not sure making lists in my head to help me sleep is working. Ten things not to say to a girl on a first date, for instance:
1) That dress dosen't do your arse any favours, does it?
2) Are you sure you should have worn that colour, what with your dodgy complextional an' all?
3) God your so lucky! I'm a bit of a catch, you know.
4) Hope you brought your wallet, luv, I'm a bit sort this month.
5) Have you seen my pet rat? He was here a minute ago....
6) Theres something about me I must tell you. One of my legs is longer than the other two.
7) Jesus loves you, did you know that?
8) Oh god, ..no....I'm sorry, ...erm....ermm.....no....erm......bye........
9) Hope you don't mind, I brought me mates, Dogbreath and Arsehole.They're mad, they are.
10) Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
The list of ten things I SHOULD say is the hard one. Back to bed for a think...
Your getting sleepy....
The story thing didn't work last night. Ended up listening to a self help CD called "Awake the sleeping giant", or something, till 3am. Ironically, it put me to sleep. Never have been any good at taking advice.
I've probably hit on something there. Take and record all the good advice doled out to me during a given week and play it back during the night, and my brain will automatically turn itself off. Brilliant!
Or maybe lists of phone numbers. For some reason whenever a phone number is read out over the radio, or in a voicemail, I always drift away half way through it, and have to replay the mail, or wait for the ad to come around again.
I've tried listening to audio books, or talk radio, but I always become to interested in them. I need rambling, dreary voiced, monosyllabic boring stuff to knock me out. If I could get hold of a recording of my old Irish teacher at school, particularly the double class we had Friday evenings, that would be perfect. I was always fast asleep by the second period.
Or Maybe just a Jefferey Archer novel.
Actually, no, I'd rather stay awake.
Besides, theres a great storm brewing up outside, so I'm going to take my cup of camomile and sit in the window and watch it for a while.
Bedtime
Have to get some sleep tonight. Had an awful day trying to stay awake while making a presentation. I think I probably came accross as a rather less then enthusiastic 14 year old talking about a visit to his grannies house, instead of the dynamic energetic sales-god I should have been, (as it says in the textbooks,... somewhere.). Luckily they were nice people, and looked at me in a kind of pitying, rather then scornful way. It was the red eyes and stifled yawns that did it for them, I think. Yes, quite an impression I made there.
Going to try a different approach tonight. Instead of listening to the radio, or read a book, I'm going to scribble in my little notepad, and make up some stories to keep me amused and to try and put myself to sleep. Works on other people when I tell them stories, so why not?
Night, night.
Red eye
Ugh. Another night with about two hours sleep. AND I wake up to find I have to go to Slough at the weekend. Thats when you start thinking you haven't woken up yet. It's been a bank holiday in the republic, so today is this weeks Monday morning. I should have been worn out enough to sleep last night considering I cycled 90 miles Sunday and Monday, but I was still wide awake staring at the ceiling at 4am this morning. It got to the point at around 5 that I was so tired that when I did start falling asleep it felt like I was falling into a coma. I hate nights like these. Whatever has been firing around my brain all night suddenly stops, and my head feels as if it's shutting down, battery pulled out suddenly, just before experiencing what feels like a sudden jolt of electricity, making me sit bolt upright in the bed, as my body tries to recharge it. (I'm sure I must have freaked some people out with my sleeping habits in the past).
It's as if my head finally decides, "right, enough of this thinking crap, lets get some kip", just when it's been the one keeping the rest of me awake all night. A fight then ensues as the rest of my body starts screaming " well it's a bit late now! it's time to get up!", and I spent the next hour bouncing back and forth between coma and mild electro-shock therapy. I might have to call in the UN to mediate between these two if I'm ever going to have a chance of a good night sleep, in the shape of little camomile tea bags, Kalms, or a swift kick to the head every night.
I'm tired
It's amazing how tiring a boring day can be. It's only Tuesday and I'm pining for the weekend already, staring out my office window at the diggers preparing a hole for another office to be shoveled into. They're slowly surronding the little Spar shop, like big gray monkey houses gathering around the feeding bucket. I have a perfect view of the steady trickle of the big hairy country primates heading for the deli trough and the cappaucino dispensers, and the waddling diet coke and weight watcher salad eaters in little cars driven the 200 metre to the shop. The girl in the office next to me spent all lunch time yesterday in the coffee lounge downstairs telling her friend all about her great new diet, after I had observed her driving to the deli from our office block. I can actually hit the shop with a stone from my window. ( I just had to try it ). I'm not sure which species I fit into.
I haven't written a new entry for a while as I've had a very disjointed couple of weeks spent between Belfast, Dublin and London at various trade shows and appointments and other work stuff. The weekends have been long and, in different ways, filthy. (By that I mean shifting 3 ton of bricks and soil through the house and in to a skip, and Kayaking/swimming on the river, unfortunatly). We have finally managed to remove the main bulk of the rubbish from my back garden, and finish off the bathroom, much to my neighbours relief. Mainly because they could do without the sight of me washing in the kitchen sink in the mornings. I had been getting progressively bolder in the mornings, wandering down throught the kitchen, undressed, hoping no workmen had arrived, out to the back garden to retrieve some underware from the patio where they had lain all night after the clothes horse had fallen asleep, before realising my state of undress. Good job the back garden isn't overlooked from the rear.
Hopefully, now, with the house less of a state, I'll be able to get a better nights sleep. The house is perfectly comfortable, warm (a bit untidy) and clean, but I have struggled to get to sleep before 3 for the past year. I'm still waiting for someone to invent a switch you can attach to the side of your head to switch your brain off after a certain time. A switch like the one in the airing cupboard for the immertion heater, programmed to switch off everything but nice, soothing thoughts from 10pm up untill 6 in the morning every night would be perfect, thank you, when I can get up and distract myself. You could even have different models with special features, like a dream dimmer switch: turned up for fast, exciting, cheese induced dreams, or turned down low for gentle, fluffy, floating little dreams. There would have to be a red for danger band on it, obviously, for the nightmare setting for the masochists. I can't remember the last time I had that, oh so wonderful feeling of waking up in the same position I feel asleep in, face imbedded solidly in the pillow, mouth gaping, drooling gently. Bliss.
My clock. I Invented it. There will be an alternative clock available for Saturdays wilth all the early morning single figures missing.